soon

it takes a long while to get me crying these days.

i woke up crying.

wow my subconscious self is weaker than myconscious self then.

i kept my guard way too high.. way too long..

i said i couldn't cry anymore.

i said never shall a tear be shed when i think ofhim.

i eventually did.

i cried.

was it relieving.

i need not expound what i feel. 

all i know that maybe its about time to create newhappy memories and replace those that i have had kept all along.

i heard myself say: move on

and there at that exact pristine moment, the tearsthat had been kept far too long freely flowed out.

i told myself:

"i never belonged in his world. i never did.i knew it the moment he removed my hand from his waist when we were sleeping.it was that moment that i knew i never really had that spot in his life. he mayhave not known that he does that in his sleep or even if he was aware, it wasenough to let me know that it never will work out the way it would have led to.the worst part was that on our waking hours, when we were together.. he made mefeel like i belong somewhere. somewhere in the recesses of his life.complicated as it seemed."

i saw him. photos. yes i cyberstalked him,checking, wanted to know if he was happy. and i guess he is. it was enough forme to know that he is happy. and then that certain photo. clad with his lefthand - a girl. i stared at it for a moment. deciphered how i should feel andreact. denial. sublimation. repression. defense mechanisms. i left for home.thinking, so is this how it should be then? i hardly remember what was the lastthing that was in my head before i doze off to slumber-ville.

i was suppose to be on a movie date after my shiftat noon, guess my date didn't want to spend time with me as well. he alwayssaid that happiness is how you see things. as of now,things are a bit blurry. idon't know how long it had been - since that fateful encounter. i was notcounting anymore, i allowed the days to drag and let just the days past as theywere suppose to. i was not counting because there is no point in counting atall. to what? for what? that moment when wed meet and say "hi" toeach other? ~rolls eyes. as if it would ever happen. XD i hope not in the nextcoming days.

let me relieve myself from this misery please.