monday blues

i awoke feeling shitty again. what is it with Mondays and the blues? they don'tcall it Monday blues for nothing i guess.

i was told not totalk about this again, this gets tiring one side of my head was telling me. buti will and for the last time. this would be my ultimatum.
when can you say thatyou have done more than what is necessary? when is enough really enough? whenis it time to just let it all go and just give up?

i am writing againbecause it is the only form of release i have as of the moment and maybe forthe rest of my lifetime. id rather write what i feel here rather than gabbingabout it towards friends. im saving them the trouble listening to me rant. andi don't wanna add another casualty to those that i might take it as naggingthan concern. i wish it was easy.

just when it wasdrizzling shit it rained on me.

1. this good friendof mine is well mad at me. i am not sure what the term is far more appropriate.ive been meaning to call. tried to woo him over again, did as far as leavingfood by his landlord with a cheesy note. from the looks of it: from theunanswered calls and unreplied messages - it only means that he doesn't want tobe involved. if that is an appropriate term as well. i don't want to come of asneedy, dependent and most of all annoying, i get the picture already. i've saidmy apologies and if this is how it ends still i refuse to believe in it. icould still be persistent, be optimistic that things will turn out fine in theend. giving up was never my intention and never was my plan. i hate the factthat your silence is hurting me and how i let my pride get in the way. all i amsaying is that you really matter to me. whether you like it or not. and if youare hurting , i am too. :(

2. my dad has notbeen away, and really AWAY!! he has not called and text. :( my mom was worried.and so was i . and to top everything off - she was telling me this "walajud ko nisugot na muanha kag cebu.." implied and never stated - she wantsme back in butuan. imagine how distraught i was upon hearing those words out ofmy mom's mouth. i was shattered. was crying early in the morning. was i aboutto pack my bags and leave all that i have started here. wasn't that tootempting to just let go and escape? i took the liberty to call in and be absentat work. to think things through. i dialed friends and no one was there but afew to answer my calls. and those that i found least likely to answer my callat that time of the day.

3. i am getting thispersistent back pain! XD signs of aging perhaps but damn does it hurt big time.i scoured for spa clinics only to find out that it costs expensive. darn, itook a muscle relaxant instead.

and as of the moment.i am contemplating,. thinking what needs to be done first. yesterday, i went tochurch with my church buddy - hime. the homily was rather apropos to what i amfeeling. i was at the verge of tears but took the hold of it til the massended. i've said my prayers and hoped for the best.

i believe in Patrickthe Starfish's philosophy "if its not okey then it is still not theend..."

person 1 told me thati was compassionate... and if i was i wish i can save myself from misery...

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