sometimes i can't make it alone :(

I woke up yesterday feeling gloomy. Clouds were gloomy as welland the wind was cold as ice. I went out to walk and bang, the realization cameover me like an anvil from the heavens!

It has been 5 frickin years! 5 long years since igot someone to call my boyfriend. As I was walking about, I saw couples hand inhand - talk about rubbing it in.

I have had my fair share of heartaches - yes. iloved once. and far too many times after that and the thing is - i was the onlyone loving. he didn't know. he never knew. if he did maybe i was good in hidingit in the pretense of friendship or far more than that. *wink*

There was this guy though who was somewhat showingme that maybe he was all I ever wanted - but I was preoccupied with myfar-perfect-guy. He left -- that guy who wanted me. I was scared. I didn't wanta long-distance relationship to deal with. I was never good with that. 

I'm tired of this vicious cycle. I'm tired ofloving and never being loved back. I wanted him so badly. He is everything thatI wanted. He was my everything. And he is someone else's everything. He is tiedup to this contract with someone else.

I always thought that I was happy being single. Ithought that maybe what I needed to do first is to love myself and be aware ofwhat I want in my life.

I chose to be single because I needed to know whoI was, what I wanted in life. Why am I getting the impression that I am notideal or even someone one would wanted to have? To keep. To love. To be takencared of. Why is it so hard to be happy? Why does it have to hurt this way? 

I must admit that I cried soo hard last night. Ithought "heck, maybe this is what I would alwaysbe..miserable..lonely.."

I messaged a few friends. the top 3. 

1. i told him i miss having him around

2. i thanked him cause he makes me feel lesslonely when we are together
3. i asked apologies for me being cranky the wholeday

Listening to Look After You for the nth timefinally let me slumber. I awoke from a call. An unregistered number - turns out- he was a good friend from college. He was all I needed at that moment ofweakness. I wanted to cry over to him that way he can pray for me - but Ididn't. We catch up on things, I decided after the 2nd call that I needed tobuy something. I went out and bought sundae at McDonalds to soothe up my mood.It worked as it always does. We talked after what seemed like an hour. He bidfarewell and I felt a bit better already.

Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have a boyfriendthough I feel loved by the people that surround me. If I can't be happy with aboyfriend then might as well be happy with the friends and people that I have.They might not tell me that I am loved but even a friendly banter and a smallpat in the back is enough to make me feel whole. 

I might not say that I have all the puzzle piecesfit together - some are trying to fit in and some are still out there in thatbig box we call LIFE.

we live.

we love. 

we cry.
we get hurt.
we stumble.
we wanna give up at times.
in the end - WE ALWAYS LEARN.

I guess all I needed was a reminder that maybe Iam still human that I needed to cry at times. Errr most of the time to learnand to realize that I am still capable of that feeling.

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