misery

there was one thing i was thinking before i came here in cebu.

i feared i would change. i think i just did. inthe last few months, i have made mistakes all of which i knew i was making andmaybe some to those beyond my knowledge.

i lost friends over the couple of months andpeople started to betray me. i never wanted this. i never dreamed of beingmiserable and having a sense of guilt each and everyday. i regretted the factthat i had to huirt people unintentionally causing them to be taken aback andbe distant. i hate myself. i hate who i have come to be! 

must it be like this? could it be because i donthave friends to keep me grounded here? could it be me just displacing? or is itbecause this is who i was really bound to be in the end?

losing those that i hold importance to. 

leaving those i cherish back home.

in time.

i still have some of the residual bronchitis i gotfrom cleaning my room. and i only have today for rest. tomorrow, id be back towork. file the sick leave and get back to the reality of life.

i wanted to be here. wanted to be away from allthe pretentions i have to live in butuan.

life is not at all easy here in cebu.

not when i have noone else to run to.

i am even lucky that i can still remember to eatat least once a day.

ive been really down.

my faith has been tested.

far too many times.

my cousins think i have everything here.

yes, i can say that.

i have all i need here.

but in the process of emancipation

i am here - alone and lonely as ever.

been crying almost every night. wondering if thisi show i would be and this is how i would end up being.

there are those few that show concern those thatremember to text me.

assure me that things will be okey eventually.

and those that would only remember when things arefine.

i learned that life is never too easy.

that being here not only entails being strong butlearning to be on guard.

to guard my heart. to be cautious on who to trustand who to believe.

life has been throwing shit at me.

and who else would i run to?

all i have is myself to tend to.

i keep saying - this is just a phase.

"a very long phase.."

but this will come to end.

if i chose it.

i choose to be happy.

choose to find things to be glad about.

its hard this days.

really hard.

and the only being that saw how helpless i was -was him. the almighty.

i cry myself to sleep everynight.

too tired to think.

too tired to choose.

i have not been attending work.

i am on bed-rest for 2 days for my bronchitis.

and i think it got worse last night.

with all the truth coming out of my"friend's" mouth.

we met up.

she told me all the reasons why they made me feelthe way they did.

i was shocked. 

all of those issues were soo yesterday.

months before.

and what i dont understand is that they had tohide this from me.

all they ever did was give me the cold shoulder.

and it was never too easy.

seeing them at work and all that.

i was wondering why all of this has to come tothis point.

why of all days it would have to end like this.

err it has to be like this.

i am writing it all here.

as i do.

i am lettting go.

i have cried far more than i should.

to my workmates you know who you are:

i know wounds never heal fast and i know therewould always be that sense of looking back every now and then. i cant changewhat you think of me now.

i can never do that. for what its worth, it hadbeen nice meeting you guys. and i am terribly sorry for whatever pain i haveincured against you guys. things will never be back to the way it was beforebut i am still glad that things have cleared up. i think. i dont hold anyresentments against all of you. and i dont know how things would go from here. 

to those that i have hurt:

im sorry, i could keep saying that everyday but itwould lose all its meaning. ifi am losing you, if i had lost you - i can onlybe happy that once i had you in my life. if things would fall into place andthe tides of time would heal all broken ends then id wait. if not. it wasgreat. it really was.

to those that i miss back home:

you have no idea how hard it is to find a reasonwhy i need to stay here. you guys have dreams and most of you will leave mehere. but i know. distance is never a reason to be alone and be lonely. i loveyou guys.

to those that has seen me at my worst:

thank you for prentending to understand me, forlistening to me ranting. to the prayers you had given me. thanks for the warmhugs and genuine smiles.

to those that does not know me yet:

i am me. i have the most fragile sanity. i couldbe happy one day and be worst the next. take time to know me. we always judgeby physicality but let it be nota hindrance for you to get to know me better.

to myself: 

you are strong.

you have always been.

hang on.

you have dreams.

your passion is just waiting for you.

post script - edited today 6.25.09

err last monday, i went to file half day cause thesickness is starting to set in. i was walking under the rain with nothing butmy jacket to use as cover over my head. i was thinking, shall i pursue this? orshall i retaliate and leave and go back home?

it was officially tuesday then, around 2am. i wenthome soaked. took off the working clothes i was still in and went straight tobed. i forgot to eat again. realized i needed to. so i went down to thecafeteria and ate and cause i was not able to catch mercury drug open all i hadas medicine was my vitamin C. i doubled the doze. i was eating and Clarisse thedaughter of the caf was there. she was asking how far was butuan. and what arethe most lovely places there.

"nothing much. but i left my heartthere."... Read More

"umiiyak ka nanaman?"

she saw my eyes were puffed

"mejo. nagka-bronchitis ako." - tagalogxa.

i woke up around 9am. went to out to eat breakfastand went to mercury drugs just near mcdonalds. i was on cue along with thischinito guy. he was asking if the medicine he was looking for was available atthat branch. the lady said they only had 3.

"dili pwede, antibiotic man jud. para saakung wife. naa xay lupus."

and i was like "how pathetic my reasons arefor feeling this low...when halfway around the world someone is dying..someonelost a family..."

he was motioning to go out. i said "i hopeyour wife gets better." he smiled. "thank you.." "i knowwhat lupus is and how it could get..id pray for you.." he gave me the mostwonderful smile. and i felt my heart raised. i felt relieved from all the paini was having. i felt better.

i bought the medicine i wanted 1218 for all of it.frugal. :D

but what the heck. i went home with a smile on myface. that's when i realized, life aint that bad. and yes i prayed for them. :)

today, i went to watch a movie. i enjoyed it.every minute.

yes. i watched it alone. and i was not that lonelyas i thought i would be. tough times come and go. and i am more than willing toface whatever shit i need to face to get to where i wanted to be. i came herecause id fulfill my dreams. and i will be.

in time.

i still have some of the residual bronchitis i gotfrom cleaning my room. and i only have today for rest. tomorrow, id be back towork. file the sick leave and get back to the reality of life.