Four Words

June 23

I woke up today carrying a heavy heart. Have you ever had that feeling? That feeling that something's not right. No, not the PMS kind or the I-feel-rather-sad-today-but-I-don't-know-why. Today was that day.

Heading to work early morning with my iced coffee in hand, hoping this feeling with just go away as the day progress. Today, was not the best day. 

Then my phone notified me, my niece messaged me saying that my dad is at the hospital. I called my mom, no answer. I tried my very best to keep it cool. I worry a lot contrary to my humor. Other than worry, I felt rather scared. After a quick meeting at around 10:30AM, my mom messaged me four words: Patay na si daddy. (English Translation: Daddy just passed away.)

I walked across the room to Kim a workmate and a friend. Hugged her and basically broke down. My class thought it was because of them, I broke down like a baby. I was not proud of that moment. I was lost yet again. I did not know where to start or what to do. I had a few friends who helped out; gave me things to start with. It's hard to go about death and grieving alone.

I wrote him a tribute, created a Life Event. This was a few hours after it all happened:

I grew up pretty fast as an only child. My dad was away almost a year to ensure that I can finish my studies and be the breadwinner. We share so many things together: our love for dogs, amazing penmanship and the passion for astronomy. I get excited when there's a celestial event. I usually call him up saying that there's a Venus Transit or even planetary alignments. We gaze at the stars together and even look at the moon using his telescope. We biked a lot and he taught me how to fish. I learned a lot from him.
How to take care of my mom while he is away for work. Know what wire to connect to get maximum surround sound. He loves music, he has multitudes of cassettes, LPs, minidiscs, subwoofers and amplifiers to boot. I remember the first gift he gave me: a Sony red radio with a miniature organ. I loved that to bits.
He was not the kind to share his feelings or worries, he wanted to just be happy. Fishing makes him happy and small projects like making a big table from old wood.
Boy, did he love to travel. Being a pipe fitter, he travels a lot and he would share his stories with me when he calls or when he sends letters.
Other than those traits: he was stubborn like myself, funny how alike we were.
When I look up at the night's sky, the stars will shine brighter cause he is there.
I love you.
Today, he is one with the stars.



My dad and I.


In a sense, this is how the natural order of things go but no one even myself was ready for this.

When I was 20 years old, I gave myself five years to live. I knew for a fact that I will die young. I just did not see myself live long. I was not sick at the time, nor do I have an ailment - not that I knew of but I was too sure that I will never live this long.

Four years from my morbid realization, here I am crying, reliving that day when we put him to rest. Looking at him, staying there. Solid. Not moving. He even looks different from what I remember. He is gone. That's not my dad.

Looking back, I have so many things I regret.

Thinking how I neglected to tell him so many stories. How I ended up in Baguio because I was so depressed and never even called him up. Thinking of how many times I omitted truths to avoid having an argument. I did not even call him on his birthday, all I ever did was send him a text message. How busy was I really to not bother calling him?

He was my Switzerland as my mom and I have a love-hate relationship. How he made me feel so sure that he will be there for me - ALWAYS.

There are Five Stages of Grief:

Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

There is no pre-grief period. There is no pain than here: today, tomorrow and the few days to come. It will take me months, years and a whole lifetime to recover. It does not get better each day. It is all a lie. It is never easy. 

7 comments:

  1. I couldn't describe my feelings while reading this blog Zhee. I wanted to shed my tears but holding it because I'm at the 11th floor with too many people around. But yes, I somehow feel the pain, that one day the most important person, my mother would be gone and I'm not ready for it.. No one is ready for a situation like that.. no one would ever be ready to accept that one of your loved ones has already gone. --Van

    ReplyDelete
  2. My heart's heavy after reading this. Your dad's a wonderful man, Zhee. He raised a brilliant daughter. I am honestly struggling with the right words to atleast ease your pain. We love you. You don't have to go through this alone. We might be seas apart, but please know that we are here.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for sharing. It is hard, that is just what we can do to recognize the pain.I do not want to think and feel. We know it is just a question of who feels it first, not why.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ang akong una nahunahunaan pagtext nimo nga wa na siya kay HALA, MAO RABA TO IYANG MANLALABAN. Sa tinuod lang nagduha2 ko pagbasa ani. Di man gud ko gusto maghunahuna nga muabot gyud na sa atua apan di man gyud kalikayan. :'( nanghinaot ko nga kanunay nimo lig.unon imong kaugalingon kay makigbugno pa ta's kapalaran. Naa ra man sab mi nagmahal nimo. Di man tuod ora-orada mawa imong mga kasakit, hinumdumi lang ang akong text bahin kang zac efron ug vanessa hudgens. Hihihi awuvu! ��

    ReplyDelete
  5. I don't want to think about losing the people I love like this. Cause I'm not so sure I can handle it. I don't want to even think of handling it. For all the years I've known you, I know you are very strong. But no one can really prepare for loss. There's no pre-emption. So be weak, be not okay. Grieve. Cry my friend. We are here for you. We are one hug away. Let us be your comfort. I'm just glad googly is with you everyday. Since we are miles apart. We love you Ima! Pray for healing. 😢

    ReplyDelete
  6. I feel you in every word. My dad passed away last 2015. I missed him so badly. I felt guilty up to now thinking I have never been a good daughter. I don't know how long will it takes for me to completely move on with my loss. They said it take years. There are times that I will just cry on bed.Whenever I see my students with their dad still alive, I felt jealous. :(

    ReplyDelete
  7. So sorry for your loss. I almost cried but held it in. Just grieve. Grieve all you want. Don't be pressured to move on. Dwell on all the good memories, and always remember him with a smile. :)

    ReplyDelete

Powered by Blogger.