July 23
I woke up today carrying a heavy heart. Have you ever had that feeling? That feeling that something's not right. No, not the PMS kind or the I-feel-rather-sad-today-but-I-don't-know-why. Today was that day.
Heading to work early morning with my iced coffee in hand, hoping this feeling with just go away as the day progress. Today, was not the best day.
Then my phone notified me, my niece messaged me saying that my dad is at the hospital. I called my mom, no answer. I tried my very best to keep it cool. I worry a lot contrary to my humor. Other than worry, I felt rather scared. After a quick meeting at around 10:30AM, my mom messaged me four words: Patay na si daddy. (English Translation: Daddy just passed away.)
I walked across the room to Kim a workmate and a friend. Hugged her and basically broke down. My class thought it was because of them, I broke down like a baby. I was not proud of that moment. I was lost yet again. I did not know where to start or what to do. I had a few friends who helped out; gave me things to start with. It's hard to go about death and grieving alone.
I wrote him a tribute, created a Life Event. This was a few hours after it all happened:
I woke up today carrying a heavy heart. Have you ever had that feeling? That feeling that something's not right. No, not the PMS kind or the I-feel-rather-sad-today-but-I-don't-know-why. Today was that day.
Heading to work early morning with my iced coffee in hand, hoping this feeling with just go away as the day progress. Today, was not the best day.
Then my phone notified me, my niece messaged me saying that my dad is at the hospital. I called my mom, no answer. I tried my very best to keep it cool. I worry a lot contrary to my humor. Other than worry, I felt rather scared. After a quick meeting at around 10:30AM, my mom messaged me four words: Patay na si daddy. (English Translation: Daddy just passed away.)
I walked across the room to Kim a workmate and a friend. Hugged her and basically broke down. My class thought it was because of them, I broke down like a baby. I was not proud of that moment. I was lost yet again. I did not know where to start or what to do. I had a few friends who helped out; gave me things to start with. It's hard to go about death and grieving alone.
I wrote him a tribute, created a Life Event. This was a few hours after it all happened:
I grew up pretty fast as an only child. My dad was away almost a year to ensure that I can finish my studies and be the breadwinner. We share so many things together: our love for dogs, amazing penmanship and the passion for astronomy. I get excited when there's a celestial event. I usually call him up saying that there's a Venus Transit or even planetary alignments. We gaze at the stars together and even look at the moon using his telescope. We biked a lot and he taught me how to fish. I learned a lot from him.
How to take care of my mom while he is away for work. Know what wire to connect to get maximum surround sound. He loves music, he has multitudes of cassettes, LPs, minidiscs, subwoofers and amplifiers to boot. I remember the first gift he gave me: a Sony red radio with a miniature organ. I loved that to bits.
He was not the kind to share his feelings or worries, he wanted to just be happy. Fishing makes him happy and small projects like making a big table from old wood.
Boy, did he love to travel. Being a pipe fitter, he travels a lot and he would share his stories with me when he calls or when he sends letters.
Other than those traits: he was stubborn like myself, funny how alike we were.
When I look up at the night's sky, the stars will shine brighter cause he is there.
I love you.
Today, he is one with the stars.
 |
| My dad and I. |
In a sense, this is how the natural order of things go but no one even myself was ready for this.
When I was 20 years old, I gave myself five years to live. I knew for a fact that I will die young. I just did not see myself live long. I was not sick at the time, nor do I have an ailment - not that I knew of but I was too sure that I will never live this long.
Four years from my morbid realization, here I am crying, reliving that day when we put him to rest. Looking at him, staying there. Solid. Not moving. He even looks different from what I remember. He is gone. That's not my dad.
Looking back, I have so many things I regret.
Thinking how I neglected to tell him so many stories. How I ended up in Baguio because I was so depressed and never even called him up. Thinking of how many times I omitted truths to avoid having an argument. I did not even call him on his birthday, all I ever did was send him a text message. How busy was I that day that I felt it was bothersome to call?
He was my Switzerland as my mom and I have a love-hate relationship. How he made me feel so sure that he will be there for me - ALWAYS.
There are Five Stages of Grief:
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
There is no pre-grief period. There is no pain than here: today, tomorrow and the few days to come. It will take me months, years and a whole lifetime to recover. It does not get better each day. It is all a lie. It is never easy.
When I was 20 years old, I gave myself five years to live. I knew for a fact that I will die young. I just did not see myself live long. I was not sick at the time, nor do I have an ailment - not that I knew of but I was too sure that I will never live this long.
Four years from my morbid realization, here I am crying, reliving that day when we put him to rest. Looking at him, staying there. Solid. Not moving. He even looks different from what I remember. He is gone. That's not my dad.
Looking back, I have so many things I regret.
Thinking how I neglected to tell him so many stories. How I ended up in Baguio because I was so depressed and never even called him up. Thinking of how many times I omitted truths to avoid having an argument. I did not even call him on his birthday, all I ever did was send him a text message. How busy was I that day that I felt it was bothersome to call?
He was my Switzerland as my mom and I have a love-hate relationship. How he made me feel so sure that he will be there for me - ALWAYS.
There are Five Stages of Grief:
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
There is no pre-grief period. There is no pain than here: today, tomorrow and the few days to come. It will take me months, years and a whole lifetime to recover. It does not get better each day. It is all a lie. It is never easy.
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