p-h-a-t

i had put blogging about this topic on hold for quite sometime now. i felt i need not to blog about this and let readers know how i feel. i feared i may come as petty for strangers lurking in the worldwide web.

i will blog about it anyway. i am overweight now. i used to have a normal body mass index. i feared this will come soon. me getting fat and all that. i never really thought it would come. i have been a fluctuating gainer and loser of weight since my puberty. i used to be so fit. i biked with my dad for long distances. i used to play tennis under the heat of the sun. walked for blocks on end without any sign of exhaustion. climb flights of stairs without a single bead of sweat from forming.

i rarely bike. i never got the chance to play tennis anymore since that humiliating incident at a public court. i would feel tired after a few blocks of walking. i would complain with just a few flights of stairs. my knees would go weak and my body would sweat like a pig.

i don't have any working jeans. the favorite jeans and the only jeans i ever bought from working no longer fit me. the black pair that i use for work have a huge hole at my crotch, same destiny with the gartered rumper. today, i lost my fave pedal pushers. it tore near the pockets. i bawled like a kid. its like a huge kick in the face. I AM FAT!!!!

my ex-workmate asked me awhile ago, "what happened....?"

i finished the sentence for her, "what happened to my svelte body? gone. gone."

i went home feeling like shit. 

i never really wanted to talk about this. i know it is petty. it is pointless. its disappointing. i am really disappointed with myself. i have become sedentary. it kills me really. i thought the only insecurity i had is having curly hair and then this - my weight. the last time i weighed in i lost about 5 kilos. not much and im still at the overweight range for my body mass index. 

its depressing really. do you want to know how i feel when i stare at myself in the mirror? disgusted. that is the whole big fat truth. 

from gaining this much the only upside is that i think my boobs grew a bit bigger. i lost all my jeans and some shorts. i guess id wear pjs til further notice.

fat-bottom girl like moi