breathe

ive always considered myself a failure. i was never good in math, back in grade 2 i had a math tutor me to memorize the multiplication table. i love 7s, 9s and of course 5s. :)) i chose wrong shoe sizes, one size down which i had to endure til i need a new pair or til i destroy it to get a new pair. i buy clothes that i never really get to wear, i just like to see them or make things out of it: like that pink corduroy jeans that i made a bag out of. i like to buy highlighters just to add color to my pencil case. buy 1/4, 1/2 crosswise and lengthwise because i get tired cutting paper with a ruler.

bad decisions.

wrong decisions.

right decisions of wrong reasons.

the penultimate decision that i am not ashamed to say i truly regret is to take up Nursing. i know, ive made notes about this and ranted this time and again and trust me this one is different. one summer morning my mom asked me what plans i had for college, it was a no-brainer - mass communications, U.P. that was my all brilliant plan. i had things panned out already, go to manila take the UPCAT and see where it would lead me.

"ayaw ana nak, wala manay dakong sweldo"

"pag-nursing na lang.."

"unsa man diay kuhaon nila raiza?"

"nursing...." blank face.

i knew what she is about to say. and she said it:

"pag-nursing na lang..." 

i didnt like the idea but i had no choice, its either that or i dont go to school and i hated math so i thought, no math subjects then. so fine. i enrolled yet after an attempted suicide and bawling over the whole week.

it was okey at first, cause i had highschool friends with me taking the baby steps on this course we call nursing. sem after sem the responsibilities start to get heavy. drugs - crap, i thought id never deal with numbers anymore? riiight. what is the drop rate of a macro set if blah ..blah.. blah..

exams after exams. return demos which i really enjoy soo much.  

proud of that! hospital exposures, that was the biggest blow. i never liked going to hospitals its not really an aversion its just the thought that people are sick and you get to be with them makes me cringe. im good with my interpersonal skills, i can make a stubborn kid drink his bitter cough medicine, make a woman walk after giving birth and giving out instructions like i follow them by heart. i was good at convincing, in encouraging them to get better. 

in a way, maybe i was born to do this. Emma by meaning means universal nurse. its not like im ignoring that fact, i am caring, sacrificial, martyr even but some things will never work not unless you have your whole heart to it. i cant see myself making the course a full time career move.

call me ungrateful, my dad sailed stormy seas and my mom had to give out and give up most of her desires to keep me going to school. i was able to pass the exams, demos and the finals. i graduated wearing my yellow fairy dress under that black toga next to my hime who was wearing the same fairy dress in blue. i bloated. i was glad i had one thing down and done already. board exam was next. i didnt join the school for the in-house reviews, i was thinking that no matter where you go in preparation for the boards all that it boils down is your readiness, boy was i ready. i was eager, too eager to get this done already.

i was giving out hints and said out loud that i will be in cebu once im done with my responsibility. id be applying at a BPO company and live life the way i wanted to. i was devouring food after food during the review days. i grew fat. i was excited and disappointed that i had to do this to seal the deal. i was a prisoner at my own risk. in a way, i was to blame. my best friend and i share the same sentiment. we found joy and comfort in food. we foodhopped. sharks fin, burger, chicken meals and street foods. keeping it together, making sure we would finish the said exam was a struggle. i was at the brink of letting go, of giving up. i was ready to fall. ready to let go of everything. it got me thinking, i need to finish this and make sure i put an effort to it. i studied, yes, err read and watched House M.D the whole review period. ive done researches as well, read boring book after another boring book and sucked it all up. 

we then went to CDO met my alter-ego and met new friends that made the whole nursing board exam truly memorable. watched fireworks on the apartments roof deck while eating pizza, had my first taste of beer and had my first allergies. took Vin and shot some photos of CDO. finished the exam. we went home and waited. the waiting part was the worse.

i was getting anxious already. i was so glad that the heavy load has been lifted. the board exam to me then was th final responsibility i have for nursing and after that id seek freedom. i was able to get the freedom i needed. i was able to get a job. my first job. i had my first interview. i had my first plane ride. i had a effing job!! it was that easy. it was like the planets had aligned to make it happen. i went home to have my last christmas, new year and birthday with the people that matter to me. all those times my mind was in cebu walking the streets of colon or eating shawarma in sm. i was in cebu in spirit. i was in butuan in presence.the epic story that i was able to finish the painstaking course nursing and made it to cebu in one piece is nothing but epic: to me and to others or maybe to one person. 

freedom. 

a year of freedom.

the work was great!

fulfilling.

the people were amazing. 

i never took myself as a workaholic but i longed for my 

workmates company. 

i wanted to be there all the time, hence i rendered OTs.

OT, OT, even during my rest days.

i was in the impression that i will love it here.

i am loving it here.

im loving cebu.

i was able to travel.

visited white sand beaches.

went to guimaras.

went spontaneous and took a bus ride with no definite destination.

then, i fell in love.

for a moment falling felt like flying.

id never want to be anywhere else.

i wanted to do the right thing, to make my parents proud. i was willing to give up my dreams and passion to make my mom happy. i was willing to be a nurse. i thought that since there was one thing in my life that is working out well, i might as well give back to my parents. i went home. i went to have things settled. 

freedom.

this time, full on 100% freedom.

and it never tasted this sweet.

i was happy.

i am happy.

im still happy.

maybe in my life, all the wrong decisions i ever had was all worth it. it made my life interesting, i have a reason to write about it. i have something to share. all those times i felt i was a failure gone out of the blue.

i was happy again.

i am happy. again.

someone came along, someone who makes me happy. someone who still loves me amidst the mess and damage my life has been. willing to look at me in the eye and make me feel i was loved. i was loved.

i used to make wrong decisions.

wrong time to walk on the park cause its raining. 

loved the wrong person and for the wrong reasons.

all the wrong things actually give me one thing that is right.

you.

you are the only exception.

you are my oxygen.

this love is my oxygen.

i can now breathe.