crushed

i had been trying you see. trying to get to my goal. find a stable job and stay at it for a every long time. yes, i am a bit picky when it comes to workplaces and who doesn't? i had been on queue along with others who venture to cure unemployment. i never really cared if i was underemployed as long as i am employed. 

i applied here and there. was told that i will get a call. was told that i didn't pass. well, its working. it is doing its work. its killing me. its killing my self-esteem. i feel like i am not worth anything. i am not too confident enough, im not too good enough. i am just not enough for them.

i failed for the 3rd time this week. i dragged myself to finish my errands. what better way to set the mood than drowning in rain. there i was walking with my white corduroy pants on a rainy day. i was fighting the urge to cry at my predicament. i tried. i found my eyes started to water and i just had to snap back to reality. when i was done with my errands id go home and cry this all out.

i did. i went home. got dressed. cried on my bed. bawled like a kid. i guess this was all that was needed. me crying it over. me assessing myself. id like to quote myself, "a person's character is not measured by the degree she graduated from nor the decisions she made in her life". i felt really bad. i knew the interview was a disaster. i was fumbling for words. i was not exuding confidence which i have always had. i felt myself shrinking. the interviewer only dwell on the fact that i was a nursing graduate and nothing more. i didnt fight it. i thought it wasnt worth the energy, at that point i knew that this was his way of slapping it hard in my face. i will not get the job. i was sure i will never get it. i felt it. results were given after what seemed like 5 minutes, 3 minutes late from his 2 minute promise. i can re-apply next month. id rather not.

i made a list of companies i will not re-apply for. a banking bpo, a publishing company and this new company in town.

i was consoled by the person that sees me as i am. the person that knows how great i am. "this is just a bump." this person said. "i feel like im a failure but one things for sure, you are the only thing that was ever right for me." i guess im still lucky. i still have someone who is there for me no matter what. someone who doesn't judge, someone who loves me and knows that i deserve something.